Back At It Again With The B(ullshit)logging


This is my first post in some time and it is a personal one. The last year of my life has been an extremely transitional one. At the end of August 2015, I packed up my entire life in Los Angeles and moved to Detroit with my previous lover. LA will always feel like home to me, but we (he and I) both decided that we wanted an adventure and decided to take the plunge to see what exactly was going down in the D.

Suffice to say, Detroit was a complete shell shock from the life we had built in Los Angeles. As (semi) established artists in LA we had built a solid network of people of whom we regularly worked with. In Detroit, we knew absolutely no one (which was half of the fun) and were eager to explore the artist community everyone on the internet had been hyping up. Moving is one of the top five stressors in life. Needless to say it ended up taking a toll on our relationship. The network of people in Detroit was much smaller than what we were both accustomed to.

After the first couple of months we adjusted just fine to our new surroundings, adapting our work flow to fit our new lifestyle. However, our personal relationship was still fluctuating quite a bit. Even though we had met a lot of people in the city, we were spending most of our time together. I will tell you one thing, not having enough space from any individual or practice can make any person irritable. The tumultuous nature of our relationship (which had established early on over the course of our three year partnership) began rearing it’s head again. Unfortunately, it ended up being more than I could bear. I cried almost every day. It was a very rough winter, maybe the toughest I’ve ever experienced.

I ended things abruptly (in a manner I am not proud of) in March of this year. I packed up my things and moved to Brooklyn, leaving behind a shit storm of emotional turmoil and lack of closure. I have lived in New York for three months now. The first two and a half months were a whirlwind of tears, tequila, and texts to my ex apologizing for my brash actions and pledging my undying love for him (I will always love him, he was and will always be my best friend regardless of what’s happened, but that is beside the point). The last time we spoke we acknowledged that the space we have from each other is ultimately for the best and will allow us both to grow and continue our work. He is seeing someone else and I have had my own rendezvous in NYC. I want nothing but happiness, love, and success for him. I appreciate the time we’ve spent together and everything I’ve learned from our shared life. He showed me what a strong work ethic was and pushed me to create various platforms for myself. For that I will always be thankful. I am grateful for my time in Detroit – the business I built in my time there (Girlfriend Gallery), the friendships I made, and much needed perspective it brought me.

New York is where I need to be right now. I love the fast-paced energy and the burning desire to hustle that lives inside all New Yorkers. This city is an entirely different ball game that I’ve never played. In my short time here, I have observed that it’s the smallest big city in the world. Not only does everyone know each other, everyone is always in each other’s business and if you don’t meet the precedented standards, you might as well get the fuck out. Los Angeles is much, much more relaxed. You can date and hook up (pretty) freely without (much) consequence. I didn’t have the chance to test out the Detroit dating scene, but I’ve been assured there is none (as it’s such a small city, it is extremely incestuous and seemingly sad/lonely, although I’m sure love exists there). In New York, if you go on more than three dates (or public outings) with someone you might as well be engaged (ie; she’s “my girl” etc.) It’s much heavier (and more possessive) than I expected.

Obviously I’m not looking for anything serious. Seeing as how I’m just now starting to get a hold over my emotions, I am well aware that it’s going to take some time to let a new person into my heart. That being said, who doesn’t like being with someone? I am guilty of playing the role of “girlfriend” as it is what I’ve been conditioned to for the past three years. Do I miss having regular sex and someone who is (consensually) molesting me all the time? Obviously! Do I miss having someone to watch Game of Thrones with every Sunday night? Without a doubt. Do I miss sharing a personal connection with a man that allows me to be my weird, nerdy, freaky self? 1,000% Yes. But right now all I can handle is semi-regular hook ups with zero pressure or drama. To my dismay, I haven’t been able to find that yet. While my ex is happy with his new stripper girlfriend (he didn’t fail to mention that he put up a pole in our living room), I have been paraded around by a lover who took me on a vacation to meet his entire family and then professed his love for me over the course of a month and half. Talk about coming on strong. The burnout to that relationship came just as quickly as the initial fiery beginning.

What I am realizing now is that I have no idea how to date anymore.  Tinder was invented right before I entered my long-term relationship. It’s crazy to see how technology has changed the dating scene even in the last three years. I have completely forgotten how to flirt. I have completely forgotten how to “booty call” someone. I feel like an alien. To make matters worse, what little sexual encounters I’ve had have all been under scrutiny – like I said, people love to talk. Consequently, I think this is the kind of structure I need in my life right now in order to succeed. I have never had the proper time to live my life for myself. Men have always been a main distractor; getting in the way of me doing my work. I can fully admit that I open my life to such distractions (partying, relationships, trips away, sexual flings) in order to avoid, what are in fact, my responsibilities.

This is the first time in my adulthood that I’ve made a life-changing decision for me. It seems like the first time I am stepping up to the plate, ready to submerge myself in work and live to my full potential. It is definitely the first time I have a clear vision of what I want out of life and the direction I’m heading. I cannot be more thankful for this opportunity. As someone who is utterly boy crazy and puts others before herself, I forgot who was the most important person in my life. I am seriously excited to focus on myself – to treat myself, to love myself, and develop a stronger relationship with myself. I’ve shared my spirit and my positive energy too freely with people in the past. I’m excited to be selfish (in a healthy way) and harness all of that energy and channel it into my work. For lack of a better comparison, I feel like Marshall Mathers in 8 Mile. This is my one shot. I am the most confident I have ever been. I am the happiest I’ve ever been.

I am sharing this with you to remind you to never give up on yourself. It is never too late to do what you want to do, live your life any way you wish. The dark times will make you stronger. Your friends and enemies will push you to be better. Love will find it’s way into your life when you least expect it. Find yourself and never let go. Dream and never stop dreaming. Create and never stop creating.